comedy feature
How To Get Nominated ... by a man who didn’t for ten years
Award Winners: Brendon Burns
Let me just qualify that this is not coming from a point of vanity, by stressing that I fucked up my chances a lot and quite consistently. This isn’t coming from a man that won, but rather one that didn’t even come close for over a decade.
1 Do something serious during the day.
A play, your taxes, mining, bat fisting whatever. That way your show will be the folly it should be. If you’re having fun it’ll reflect. If you spend all day worrying about how much fun your show is going to be it won’t. If all else fails fist a bat on stage. At least people can see you’re working.
2 Nap in the afternoon.
You’re bound to be up late but you can remain sane with five hours’ sleep a night and two in the afternoon. And possibly three more in the morning.
3 No chemicals.
I cannot stress this enough. It is impossible to do cocaine or ecstacy and get nominated. The circuit has changed. Your competition is more dedicated and professional and no matter how funny you’re being, you will fuck up a show if you’re coming down. One of the best insults I’ve ever received, on comedy website Chortle, was “about as funny as a man on coke can be”. At the time I was on coke and thought it was a compliment. Nica Burns (no relation, so spare me your conspiracy theories), Director of the if.com Awards, later told my directors Matt Holt and Ro Acharya that the only thing in my way before was consistency. The panel are in for the whole run and I would always fuck up at least one show out of five. No one feels comfortable watching a sweaty man who should be at home with soup watching Buffy (I’ve never watched Buffy but apparently it’s a good coming down, soup drinking show).
4 No head just before a show.
It’s like a prize fight, guys (and girls) need to keep their yang. You can give just don’t receive.
5 Be on before 11.
By then panellists will have seen four shows and are no longer sane. Any relevant social topics will seem hack no matter how original you’re being. If you are on late avoid any familiar themes, be as obscure as you can. Which brings me to my next point
6 No religion.
Yes religion is stupid and everyone knows it. This is the largest arts festival in the world not the Bible belt of America. No way in hell will you be offering any new insights that weren’t flogged to death two years ago. You will be slaughtered. For an industry that likes to take the piss out of religion there seems to be an awful lot of preaching to the converted going on. Don’t get me wrong, I thought Glenn Wool, Jim Jeffries and Ed Byrne, to name a few, handled this topic brilliantly but what’s done is done. And no I’m not religious. I’m a pantheist if pushed and if you don’t know what that means then it’s probably best you don’t go crapping on about religion.
7 No confessionals.
Cut to the funny. I know this is a bit rich coming from a man that wrote a confessional trilogy of shows and didn’t get nominated for any of them (no matter how much critical acclaim they garnered). There will still be a few people that hate it. People’s lives are shit. Take them away for an hour.
8 Black up.
Worked for me!
9 Don’t actually black up
See religion.
10 Write a few lazy bullshit list articles.
Bums on seats, lovey.
Bums on seats!
11 Jokes!
Lots and lots of jokes! We’re fucking comics! Tell some f***king jokes!
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Brendon Burns' 'F**k You I’m Brendon F**king Burns (Again) Part IV' was on at Assembly @ George Street.
published: Oct-2008
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